© 2005 Greg Kaiser

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News Report: December 24, 2006

China and Russia No Longer an Immanent Threat


   Bush backs down as a combined Chinese-Russian force takes over Taiwan. Encouraged by the failure of American World Leadership, South Korea and Japan were soon overrun, while American troops were quickly evacuated from the entire Pacific Rim.

   Bush complained that the Democrats in Congress denied him sufficient funds for Star Wars Research, that would have allowed a "nucular" response to the Sino-Russian aggression. He added that he wasnít really backing down because he would deal with it in good time. "Our strategic retreat from the Pacific Rim should be seen as a warning to others who might agress against freedom, democracy, free enterprise, the American way and Jesus." In the national television audience that watched the address, several people noticed that the president displayed anxiety and an apparent lack of confidence. None of them worked for the national news programs, which rehashed the remarks in ways that flatter their own and the White Houseís vanity, while simultaneously blaming Bill Clinton for Americaís surrender of the Western Pacific to the Sino-Russian Alliance. That not a shot was fired, was attributed to Clintonís statement that he hadnít ejaculated. They said heíd set a precedent that must be followed, in the conservative tradition of being ruled by the past and blind to the future. A majority of Americans vomited but the president refused to comment on the unexpected response to his words. He simply repeated them over and over. All questions were deflected by a refusal to comment on ongoing investigations. He promised his team would get US to the bottom yet.

   In business news, itís reported that many CEOís and their families, visiting in the Cayman Islands, are trying to convert their funds to Euros. But even when offered at a ninety percent discount there are few takers. The hesitancy is attributed, by some radical economists, to the fact that America manufactures no domestic products that can be bought with the dollars. Now that the Chinese have effectively severed relations, though it hasnít yet been acknowledged by president Bush, we may not even have Chinese products. Almost certainly, no more of our money will be loaned to US by the Chinese to run our government and support a military response. Alan Greenspan appeared in a dream to the Chairman of the Federal Reserve and said the instability might dampen the Wall Street spirit but that he had confidence that if we tighten our belts we can weather the storm. No repentant Marley this: "bit of undigested beef."

   In other news, food riots flared in Detroit as the last GM plant shut its doors. The cleanup crew had completed the task of packing and shipping the machinery to China three weeks earlier. The CEO and board of General Motors could not be reached for comment at their vacation resort in the Cayman Islands. The rioters were put down with force by federal troops recently returned from Korea.
   Thatís the news for tonight. Merry Christmas from all of USA at Delusanews.

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Greg Kaiser
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